What Do Children Living in Violent Homes Need?
Children in violent homes where their parent (generally the mother) is the victim of violence, need certain things to survive.
Safety Planning with Children: Steps can be taken to teach children of all ages strategies to enhance their safety. It is important to let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they are not the cause of it. Tell them how important they are to you, that you love them, and want to protect them.
In safety planning with children remember that they could potentially share this information with the abusive partner, which in turn makes the situation more dangerous for everyone. When talking with children about these plans say things like, “We are practicing what to do in an emergency,” rather than, “We are planning what you should do if Dad/Mom becomes angry.”
Planning for Violence in the Home
A safety plan should include ways to stay safe if violence is happening while the child is present in the home.
Planning for Visitation and Visitation Exchanges:
If the children are not very young, you can help them to think about how to be safe during visitation and exchanges. Using the examples above, walk children through their visitation location.
Children in violent homes where their parent (generally the mother) is the victim of violence, need certain things to survive.
- Safety: Children need to feel safe and secure in their home. Children in any traumatic situation need safety at a very basic level. They need to know that their home is a safe place and that they will be protected.
- Sanctuary and security: Children need safe sanctuaries to go to for refuge. This can be the home of friends, relatives, or a shelter with their parent.
- Protection From Adults: Children need to know the adults in their lives will protect them, hear them, and take care of them. When violence is present in their homes adults in their lives outside the home frequently provide this protection and safety. In some cases, teachers create a safe space in their classrooms.
- Resilience Building: Studies show that children build resilience when one adult steps forward and provides a dependable relationship. In addition to their (safe) parent relationships with teachers, pastors, social workers, neighbors, relatives, and parents can provide this steady trustworthy relationship upon which a child can depend. Children who receive loving, affection, and kind support fare far better than children who do not receive this unconditional support.
- Routine and Consistency: Children need to sense stability in regular routines and regularity in activities such as sports, school, and seeing family and friends, and in sleeping, eating, and bathing at regular, and predictable times.
- To Know They Are Not Responsible: Teaching children that they are not responsible for the violence between others and encouraging them to express their feelings appropriately helps them dissolve the shame and guilt that develops from growing up in a violent home. It will also help in understanding that problem-solving can be accomplished without violence.
- Consistent Messages About Violence: Neighborhoods, communities, and society at large must not condone abuse. Abusive people must be held accountable for their actions. To break the generational pattern of abuse it must be treated as any other offense against the family and community with appropriate consequences for the behavior.
- Help for Victimized Parent: Interventions that assist the victimized parent will in turn provide resources and interventions to the children.
- Hope: Children need to have hope for their future, knowing that they will have support and safety. If they have one safe adult to rely on, they can build on this hope.
Safety Planning with Children: Steps can be taken to teach children of all ages strategies to enhance their safety. It is important to let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they are not the cause of it. Tell them how important they are to you, that you love them, and want to protect them.
In safety planning with children remember that they could potentially share this information with the abusive partner, which in turn makes the situation more dangerous for everyone. When talking with children about these plans say things like, “We are practicing what to do in an emergency,” rather than, “We are planning what you should do if Dad/Mom becomes angry.”
Planning for Violence in the Home
A safety plan should include ways to stay safe if violence is happening while the child is present in the home.
- Teach your children when and how to call 911.
- Think about where a child can go if they leave the home during a violent episode. Teach them to go there if violence is escalating in the home.
- Use a code word that you will signal the children that it is time to leave the home; teach children not to tell others what the code word is for.
- Identify safe spaces in the home that children can use to feel secure. Teach them to go to these spots when needed.
- Train children how to think about safe things when they are feeling afraid.
- Teach them to stay away from kitchens, bathrooms, and other unsafe areas of the home that have potential weapons in them when violence is erupting in the home.
- Teach them to never intervene between you and the abuser, as they could be injured.
- Help children think of people they are comfortable talking with. Teach them how to contact them if they need help.
Planning for Visitation and Visitation Exchanges:
If the children are not very young, you can help them to think about how to be safe during visitation and exchanges. Using the examples above, walk children through their visitation location.
- Help them think of how to access a phone, where they can go safely nearby in an emergency, what safe spaces exist in the home, who lives nearby that they can flee to if they are not safe.
- Whenever possible send a cell phone with the child to call you, friends, or 911 if necessary.
- Whenever possible avoid making visitation exchanges at the abusive partner’s home or at your own home. Try to arrange meeting in a public place where there are other people around and security cameras such as stores, gas stations, or police stations.
- Bring a companion with you as a witness to the exchange, or if possible, have them make the exchange for you.